“I know I can talk a lot and have a shit ton of advice you’ll probably never listen to” I told him “but if there is one thing I can tell you that I hope you take away from me, it’s that the demand for a gentleman will never go away.” I was talking to my little cousin, who at the age of sixteen was one of the best dressed men at the wedding we were attending Saturday night. He looked the part, but is too young and shy to play it; little man wants to “be cool.” I had spent the hour or two prior to our conversation eating, drinking, mingling and whatever else you’re supposed do at a wedding but at the same time I was secretly observing everyone in the room; the women for obvious reasons and the men because I was curious to see how many of them were affected by this epidemic among us.

It seems that there is an inverse relationship between the passing of time and the presence of gentlemen in our culture, and their number is exponentially decreasing. I can only assume this has occurred slowly over a series of decades because there is no way all these assholes popped  out of thin air.

I was nitpicking the room, taking note of every word and gesture I heard and saw come from these men and even though they couldn’t hear me, I was talking to all of them in my thoughts. If only I had the opportunity to take a few pictures to better exhibit my points of concern. I was at a wedding after all, shouldn’t people portray their best selves?

So nice of you to hold the door for your wife sir. It’s alright I guess, …she does seem used to it.”

Your face is way to close to your plate right now…it’s the main course and you’re bopping for apples; this is also exclusive of the fact that you’re right next to your girlfriend whom is not eating… I bet a certain someone is getting lucky tonight!!

I can see you across the room making a big boob gesture with your hands as you cup your imaginary double D’s in front of your friend…need I say more?

Your date is dancing in her chair, glancing at the dance floor every five seconds. Do you have any idea how much I am aching to offer her my hand to actually dance with her? It’s frolicking to Pitbull, not the waltz, get your ass up and show her a good time. You can do it, I have faith.

Did I just hear you say the word “pussy”? Did you just call someone a “pussy”? Why is that word even in your lexicon? The music is making my eardrums bleed and I just heard you say that. Do you have any idea the physiological resilience and fortitude that the female reproductive organs posses? I have a real urge to slap you in the mouth. 

You fellas, at the bar…the name cards in the lobby when you walk in have table numbers on them. I understand your tendency to drink your social discomfort away but I would like a drink as would the line of people waiting behind me…

These thoughts didn’t stop for at least an hour, some resonated more than others, but overall I found myself sitting at my table with a sense of disappointment washing over me as I wondered “Where did all the gentlemen go?” And just as I thought myself immune to this epidemic, I caught myself licking the small amount of stray gravy that managed to latch itself onto my upper lip after I took a bite of my medium-rare filet only to realize that we all fall victim to some degree or another and that I should have discreetly used the napkin sitting on my lap…

There were a few gentlemen in the room, but none of them were in any proximity to my age group, so in my disappointment and exhaustion I decided to temporarily exit the room in an effort to go find an empty bridal suite to take a nap in; there was nothing to see there anyway. As I walked out into the lobby I overheard a group of young men talking about one of the guy’s immaculate tie knot and he was grateful for their compliment but proceeded to say “It’s not bad I guess, but I don’t have the right collar for it, I need the spread” as he pointed to one of the other men’s collars. I smiled to myself as I walked passed them because that was the affirmation that I was looking for; that gentlemen are out there but they are increasingly harder to find. I revert to what I told my little cousin; there will never be a loss in demand for a gentleman because their supply is slowly but surely decreasing. This wedding was not the first time I thought this but rather a testing ground for my theory and if you take some time to observe those around you, there is no limit to what you may hear or see, and let’s not pretend that the the modern-day lady is any easier to find.